Louis van Gaal’s diary – Loving De Gea, rueing Rooney and horny peacocks

Louis van Gaal’s diary – Loving De Gea, rueing Rooney and horny peacocks

Wednesday 1st October

So, this has been a good week. Firstly, Truus is now home. It was nice to have some space, but I began to miss our nightly games of tiddlywinks. To be honest she had no choice but to leave EA headquarters and return as it was that or some time in incarceration. They don’t allow Playstations in prison. I am told that sometimes, for good behaviour, they can have iPads, but Truus said that was no use as the ‘useless imbeciles’ have made it so that you can only play something called ‘Ultimate Team’. I don’t know what she is on about. I just want some peace and maybe a little sugar.

My team beat West Ham, but it was a tough match. Everyone was excited before the game and Rooney told me that they were all willing to play as Smalling was not available and there will be no stink. But I had no centre backs. Fellaini told me that he was fit and could play there. I laughed in his face. Really close. I sent a little spittle onto his cheek. I made him cry. That’s one for the w*nk bank. I’m only keeping him around for when I decide we must lose a game, like against Swansea. Playdough face says that we cannot get Strootman from Roma in January. He’ll change his mind when he sees the useless mushroom plod on against Chelsea.

I asked around for defenders and Warren Joyce told me that Tom Thorpe should play. I have never heard of him. I asked who else there was and he said that that only leaves Paddy McNair. I have never heard of him either. I asked Albert about them. He had never heard of them either. What to do? So I said that he would be Thorpe and I would be McNair and we would play rock, paper, scissors, first to three wins. Of course I won. Albert always goes with paper for the first two goes. Giggs was disgusted. Albert called him a ‘brother’s lovers f*cker’ in Dutch. I said to Giggs that he had said that we were only joking about picking McNair by a playground game. Giggs laughed. We laughed at Giggs.

So McNair played and was brilliant and everyone said that I was a magnificent trainercoach. Imagine if they knew! We were wonderful for most of the first half. Robin was very bad again. He is still sad that our love is no more, but he spoilt it with his jealousy and turbo-texting. However, he scored a very good goal and so everyone loves him. This is football. But West Ham scored because De Gea made a mistake. I asked him afterwards and he said that it is because he caught a glimpse of Mata on the bench and felt faint. Has he saved anything since I brilliantly conspired to break them up? Then my team got scared. I saw a little bit of wee run down Di Maria’s leg, but the doctor said that the muscles of the urinary tract can weaken in people with malnutrition. I think we may have to force feed him and encourage him to exercise his pelvic floor.

Rooney was magnificent. He is a wonderful captain. So determined. His speed and desire to get away from the stink at Leicester was breath-taking. He kept going when others were overcome. But then in the second half against West Ham he got sent off for booting that little schijt Downing. Why kick him like that when the ref was looking? Daley said that the player had called him a ‘granny shagger’. We don’t understand. Why would Wayne have sex with a grandmother? It was a sickening claim. He should have kicked Downing in the face, Kung-Fu style. I shall teach him my one-inch punch. In the changing room Rooney apparently went mad, kicking holes in the doors and head-butting the tiles in the shower. A vet was called and he was sedated, but I love his passion! What a captain! But with ten men my boys were magnificent. McNair made a crazy headed clearance and a goal was disallowed for offside. It was correct. Sam Allardyce was very angry. I’ve never seen a human being who looks so much like a huge sack of mixed vegetables.

In the changing rooms after the game we had some celebratory fun. There were two rounds of ‘finger in the dam’ and we let McNair comb Daley’s hair. He was shaking when I said he could. He asked whether he could plait it but I told him that treat must be saved for something really special. He understood. We lost Herrera, who has a broken rib, but this is ok. I will play Valencia and remind Woodward just how schijt my midfield options are. I think we must win though. Albert and I played rock, paper, scissors and I won again, so McNair plays against Everton. Giggs laughed when he saw us doing it again. Albert insulted him in Dutch, I pretended he’d said something else and we all laughed. I am told in England that this is called ‘banter’. It’s ok. It was just ‘banter’.

Wednesday 8th October

Again we won, of course, because this was my plan. McNair was excellent again, so I look like a magnificent trainercoach. Maybe in future I will pick the whole team in the same way! Everyone was happy again because there would be no stink. But Smalling’s injury is healing. He came into Carrington on Monday and told me that he had a bit of a virus but was ok to train. We don’t want him to train or play because he’s schijt, so Albert had a brilliant idea. We told concussion-face that he really didn’t look well and asked if he had come into contact with anyone from West Africa. He wasn’t sure. More concerned faces. I asked him if he had been tested for Ebola? At the same time Albert threw a football at Smalling’s feet. Of course, he soiled himself, right there. The stink of schijt was overwhelming. “Oh my God, Chris”, said Albert, “this is one of the symptoms. We must quarantine you immediately.” Then he soiled himself again. So much schijt on the ground. So we have put Smalling in the Sir Bobby Charlton Wing and told him that he cannot leave until a specialist treatment team arrives. He’s been there for a week! Albert and I are trying to buy proper sealed treatment suits and disinfectant spray. Walking in like that would be my greatest moment of hi-jinx ever. I think I might urinate with delight. The players and coaches have had a sweepstake to see how long we can keep this going. I have gone for six weeks!

I had lost my inspirational captain to suspension for the Everton game. I asked Januzaj if he would like to start in Rooney’s place but he said that he didn’t want to spoil his hair. This is ok. A man must stay well groomed at all times. Daley can play and remain immaculately groomed because I have taught him how. In three months, Januzaj will learn. So instead I selected Mata. When I read out his name in the lineup De Gea made an involuntary squeal of pleasure. I think that it inspired him and in the game he was magnificent. Daley said that he kept shouting at Mata, saying, “Hey Juan, watch this!” before pulling off a great save. Mata is a calm, composed figure of a man, but he must have felt stirrings in his loins. They cannot be together. I forbid it. But perhaps these pre-mating rituals can be of use to me.

In the first half against Everton we were excellent and Di Maria scored a fine goal. But if he does that heart gesture again I’m going to cut his f*cking hands off. Then the fat boy at left back gave away a penalty. I was a little worried until I saw De Gea strutting on his line and mouthing, ‘Watch this Juan, watch this.’ He opened his arms like a magnificent horny peacock. Baines had no chance at that moment and after De Gea saved I saw Mata, alone on the edge of the box, gently caress his own balls. Passion can be a positive force as long as it is controlled, and I will control it because I am the trainercoach.

In the second half we allowed Everton to score a stupid goal and then started to struggle. We missed so many chances. Robin is playing so, so badly, but I cannot drop him. He has photos of us making love in my house, in the bed I share with Truss. This would be too much for her. She is very proud of her expensive bed sheets and we made a terrible mess of them. She does not think that I have supported her in her FIFA crusade, which is true, because I still have no f*cking idea what she’s talking about. But things are rocky and photos of me making love to another on her bed sheets would be the end. So he plays. Of course, Falcao scored. He is a magnificent figure of a man. Have you seen his biceps?! They make me shiver. After the game I asked him if this was the best moment of his career, playing here for one of the biggest clubs in the world. He said no and that Atletico was better, Madrid was nicer to live in and that their fans sang his song better. Why can’t he lie, just for once? De Gea walked off at the end like a man with a two-foot penis. I hope to harness that feeling.

Afterwards everyone was happy, we played ‘finger in the dam’ and then we voted that De Gea should comb Daley’s hair. Scruffy potato head Woodward came to the changing rooms to congratulate the team and said to me that Antonio Valencia was very good in midfield and that we now look like a team capable of achieving a top four place. I knew where this was going and told Playdough face that if he doesn’t get me Strootman in January I’ll rip him limb from limb with my bare hands and eat his testicles in bitterballen. Then I slapped him twice across the face with the back of my hand in front of all of the players. It was very silent! A tiny tear rolled down his cheek and he turned away and left. Enough is enough.

Now we have an international break so I can spend some time in my office with my DVDs. Giggs asked if he could go and watch some of the games being played. Albert told him absolutely not because he’s a pointless dick-head in Dutch. We laughed. I told Giggs that Albert had said that he would be best served staying and imparting some of his knowledge and experience to Anderson. Giggs laughed. We all laughed. Then he realised that I wasn’t joking. You could have seen his face fall! I should have taken a picture but it was too funny.

So I am free for a while now. I will let Truus touch my balls when I get home. I think maybe I have not supported her enough and she deserves this.

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About The Author

Richard writes opinion pieces on all things Manchester United. He reserves the right to change his mind and is always right.